Why Marriage?

I’m finding that I have a lot to say about this weeks study on creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws.   My husband and I have been married for 12 years, and the things I would say about this topic have grown and evolved over the years.   Not to say that I know more now than I did ten years ago, but experience has given me a very different view over the years. My husband and I were both born and raised in the city that we currently live now, and we both have a very involved extended family.   We’ve never moved away except for when my husband left for his mission.   We dated for two years before we married, so we knew each other and our families very well.   My husband is the oldest in his family, and he was the first to get married as well.   Once we got engaged things changed in some ways with his family, and by the time we married we got the full taste of sharing every holiday, going to every birthday party, celebration, and Sunday dinner.   To...

In marriage I have learned a lot of things over the years, one of which is to set realistic expectations, and that life does not always go according to plans.  There have been many transitions in my own marriage; some that we glided through together and gracefully like we never had a major life change and some transitions have made us wonder what we ever liked about each other in the first place.  One thing that my parents always told me was, “when you marry someone, you marry their family as well”.  Over 12 years of marriage I feel like I finally understand not only how much of that is true but also how it really affects a marriage. In Richard B Miller’s, “Who Is The Boss” article he states, “When children become adults, the relationship between parents and children changes. In healthy families, the parents no longer exercise control or expect their adult children to obey them. Of course, parents still have the right to set household rules concerning appropriate ...

As we study physical intimacy and fidelity this week, the major point that stuck out to me was the attitude towards intimacy, especially within the church.   I feel like this is something that should be talked about more openly among the church.   In a world where we are constantly bombarded with sexualized images, innuendoes/references to sex, and glorifying physical satisfaction rather than the intimacy within a committed relationship.   We are so overwhelmed with these messages, there needs to be an equal amount of messages on the sacredness, respect, and beauty of intimate relationships to counteract the negative messages. My parents fulfilled a minimum obligation when it came talking about changes in our bodies but the conversation basically ended there, with a punctuation on not engaging in sexual relations before marriage.   I have no memory of my parents discussing sex with me or with any of my siblings.   Anytime sex was brought up it was clear th...

One of the things I liked most in John Gottman’s “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” is the Marital Poop Detector.  What is the Martial Poop Detector? “The Marital Poop Detector is a built-in early warning system that lets you know when your marital quality is in jeopardy.  It is a way recognizing early whether something just doesn’t smell right.” Most often the woman takes the role of “sniffing out trouble” and leading the discussion between husbands and wives.  I know that I take the lead in snif fing out trouble in my marriage.  My husband has maybe once or twice approached a subject in our twelve-year marriage.  At first it really bothered me that it was always me bring concerns up and he would feel like I was nagging him on what he needed to do better.  At some point I changed my approach and instead of bluntly asking him about the problem I felt there was, I instead reached out and tried to connect with him on an emoti...

John Gottman, in his book “the seven principles for making marriage work” discusses the two marital conflicts that are found in marriage.  There are perpetual problems and solvable problems.  Perpetual problems average 69% of marital conflicts, these are differences that are on going throughout a marriage, and some examples of perpetual problems are housework, finances, childrearing, extended family, and intimacy.  Perpetual problems does not equal unhappy marriages, that is dependent on how these perpetual problems are dealt with.  The best way to navigate through perpetual problems is with a sense of humor and good-natured.  According to Gottman, there are signs that your perpetual problems are not leading to a “happy marriage”. Conflict makes you feel rejected by your spouse You make no headway from your discussion You are unwilling to budge on your position Your discussion leaves you feeling hurt and frustrated Discussions are devoid of humor, amuseme...

“ Pride is a very misunderstood sin, and many are sinning in ignorance. (See Mosiah 3:11 ; 3 Ne. 6:18 .) In the scriptures there is no such thing as righteous pride—it is always considered a sin. Therefore, no matter how the world uses the term, we must understand how God uses the term so we can understand the language of holy writ and profit thereby. (See 2 Ne. 4:15 ; Mosiah 1:3–7 ; Alma 5:61 .)”.  This was said during general conference by President Ezra Taft Benson, in 1989.  This was revelation shared by a prophet, and is even more needed counsel today, almost 30 years later. What is pride?   Pride is often considered to be self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness.   These are true examples of pride but what is often overlooked is competitive in nature, disobedience, contention, defensiveness, enmity toward God, rebellion, hard-heartedness, stiff-neckedness, unrepentant, puffed up, easily offended, sign seekers, faultfinding...

Our reading this week in John Gottman’s, The Seven Principes for Making Marriages Work focused on spouses turning toward each other rather than turning away.  This concept seems fairly obvious as an important part of any relationship.  But what does turning toward each other really mean?  Gottman calls this opportunity “bids” for attention.  Bids are ways individuals ask for help or seek attention, such as asking for help with chores or family members, to a chance to talk about their day with their partner.  Gottman’s study shows that turning toward each is central to happy marriages.  Those whose marriages showed strength over the years turned to each other an average of 86% of the time, while those who ended up divorced averaged only 33%. One of the things that Gottman talks about on this principle is that bids can often go “missing” because it’s wrapped in negative emotion.   These negative emotions are where the four horsemen come in...