Marital Conflict

John Gottman, in his book “the seven principles for making marriage work” discusses the two marital conflicts that are found in marriage.  There are perpetual problems and solvable problems.  Perpetual problems average 69% of marital conflicts, these are differences that are on going throughout a marriage, and some examples of perpetual problems are housework, finances, childrearing, extended family, and intimacy.  Perpetual problems does not equal unhappy marriages, that is dependent on how these perpetual problems are dealt with.  The best way to navigate through perpetual problems is with a sense of humor and good-natured.  According to Gottman, there are signs that your perpetual problems are not leading to a “happy marriage”.
  • Conflict makes you feel rejected by your spouse
  • You make no headway from your discussion
  • You are unwilling to budge on your position
  • Your discussion leaves you feeling hurt and frustrated
  • Discussions are devoid of humor, amusement, or affection
  • Eventually you disengage from each other emotionally
Solvable problems sound simple but do not always mean the problem will get solved.  Some examples of solvable problems are driving habits, family schedules, and time management.  Gottman gives examples of ways to solve your solvable problems.
  1. Soften your start up – Women are more likely to bring up issues, therefore they are more likely to have harsh start ups.  Examples of soft start-ups share responsibility, share feelings, use specific situations, and share your needs.
  2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts – this is best done when spouses work together as each send and receive repair attempts.
  3. Soothe yourself and each other – It is harder for a man’s body to calm down after an argument.  Recognize when your spouse is feeling “flooded”, calm and soothe your spouse. 
  4. Compromise – This is the only way to solve marital problems.  Compromising is negotiating and finding ways to accommodate each other.
  5. Process any grievance so that they don’t linger – gain understanding of each other’s perspective.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Purpose

Throughout my future posts I will be sharing facts regarding marriage and the importance not only on individuals, but also the benefit to families, children, and communities.  Join me as I research and learn more regarding this important topic.
Read more

Intimacy In Marriage

As we study physical intimacy and fidelity this week, the major point that stuck out to me was the attitude towards intimacy, especially within the church.   I feel like this is something that should be talked about more openly among the church.   In a world where we are constantly bombarded with sexualized images, innuendoes/references to sex, and glorifying physical satisfaction rather than the intimacy within a committed relationship.   We are so overwhelmed with these messages, there needs to be an equal amount of messages on the sacredness, respect, and beauty of intimate relationships to counteract the negative messages. My parents fulfilled a minimum obligation when it came talking about changes in our bodies but the conversation basically ended there, with a punctuation on not engaging in sexual relations before marriage.   I have no memory of my parents discussing sex with me or with any of my siblings.   Anytime sex was brought up it was clear th...
Read more

How can Hollywood impact marriage?

In The State of Our Unions Marriage in America , it provides a marriage agenda to our local and national leaders.   It states, “These proposals for federal and state policies and cultural change include eliminating marriage penalties and disincentives for the poor, for unwed mothers, and for older Americans; tripling the child tax credit; helping young men to become marriageable men; ending anonymous fatherhood; preventing unnecessary divorce; providing marriage education for newly-forming stepfamilies; investing in and evaluating marriage and relationship education programs; engaging Hollywood; launching social media campaigns about the facts and fun of marriage; and modeling how to talk about our shared marriage values despite our differences.” From this list of proposals I found two parts very interesting, helping young men to become marriageable men and engaging Hollywood.    The attitude about marriage and family in teenagers has remained h...
Read more