Turning toward your spouse

Our reading this week in John Gottman’s, The Seven Principes for Making Marriages Work focused on spouses turning toward each other rather than turning away.  This concept seems fairly obvious as an important part of any relationship.  But what does turning toward each other really mean?  Gottman calls this opportunity “bids” for attention.  Bids are ways individuals ask for help or seek attention, such as asking for help with chores or family members, to a chance to talk about their day with their partner.  Gottman’s study shows that turning toward each is central to happy marriages.  Those whose marriages showed strength over the years turned to each other an average of 86% of the time, while those who ended up divorced averaged only 33%.

One of the things that Gottman talks about on this principle is that bids can often go “missing” because it’s wrapped in negative emotion.  These negative emotions are where the four horsemen come in.  A bid for help or attention could be said in a harsh start up, which could lead to the spouse getting defensive rather than understanding the request.  Gottman stresses “before you reply defensively to your partner, pause for a moment and search for a bid underneath your partner’s harsh words.  Then focus on the bid, not the delivery.”  This is such a strong statement; it gives purpose in listening and understanding your spouse.  

Another point he makes is “being distracted in a wired world”.  The Internet, social media, and smart phones are now a staple in homes, and in relationships.  This brings in constant distraction into our homes and our relationships.  Many bids will go missing when we are more focused on our devices instead of our spouses.  I have found that in my own relationship my husband and I will lay in bed at night for hours sitting on our phones.  My thought is well if he’s on his I’ll be one mine, while I'm almost certain his thoughts are if she’s on hers I’ll be on mine.  Neither one of us are happy about this set up but neither one of us stop the habit of being distracted.  Put your phones away!  Watch and listen to your spouse!  Many bids will be quiet sometimes even silent, don’t let them go unnoticed because of the light on a phone screen.